Florida: Where truth is stranger than fiction

What’s a man to do when he wins $3.3 million on the Florida lottery? Open a nudist dude ranch in a remote-ish part of the state, of course.

Offer a clothing optional experience, except when actually riding horses. Pants are most definitely required for that experience. "You don't want blisters on your (behind), do you?'' Tom Clements told a reporter.


Nude horse-back riding is a no-no at dude ranch

Tom’s plan for his nudist dude ranch has run into a few problems because he set up the businesses without applying for any of the licenses he needed and then there is the matter of public nudity not being allowed in Hernando, which is a conservative county about an hour north of Tampa.

He’s not certain whether he will keep the business going or just invite his friends round to help him wash the bus he owns. He enjoys doing that naked, he says.

Tom’s oddball story is just one of many that makes Florida such a great place to live. Hardly a day goes by without some head-shaking tale making headlines. One Tampa Bay TV station, ABC ActionNews, even has a special part of its web site devoted to “weird Florida news.” It is called Fried Green Florida …Fresh cooked insanity from the Sunshine State.

You may be surprised to know that the story of the nudist dude ranch didn’t even make it on to the list. It just couldn’t compete with stories such as Man Charged with using Fish as Deadly Weapon or Bestiality legal in Florida, for now or Shoplifter run over by her own getaway car and my favorite Want to mess up a crocodile? Grab a magnet.

It would take me too long to explain what all the stories are about but feel free to go to the ABC web site for an interesting few minutes.

Truth is definitely stranger than fiction in Florida.

Turning polo horses into steroid junkies

Deep in the story of 21 horses keeling over and dying last weekend at a polo championship in Florida was an interesting observation on the differences between the sport in the US and the sport in Britain.

While the results of the necropsies won’t be known for weeks there is a consensus growing that the horses died from a toxin given to them in their feed or possibly in their steroid cocktails that are routinely administered to boost the horses’ performance in a tournament.



CNN's report on the tragedy

Now while the thought of all these polo horses across America being shot up with steroids makes me feel sick, an interesting observation that didn’t make it into many stories was picked up by the Palm Beach Post.

While it seems it is standard practice to give the horses these cocktails before a big match, the vet for Venezuelan-owned team Lechuza Polo, which owned the horses, James Belden, didn’t think the dead horses were given any.

Reason being, he said, was because the team competed in England, where such drugs are prohibited. Here in the US, the Polo Association does not require horse drug testing. Well done the Brits.

Most US horse racing fans only discovered after last year’s Kentucky Derby that thoroughbreds were routinely given steroids before races. Eight Belles collapsed and died in that race although it was later revealed she wasn’t on steroids.

The winner Big Brown was on steroids and when he was taken off them for another race a few weeks later, the Belmont Stakes, he flopped, costing punters millions as he was red hot favorite.

Why would anyone in their right minds bet on racing when the horses are routinely doped?

In the months since then most of America’s racing jurisdictions have banned steroids but obviously the Polo chaps didn’t get the message. It should be obvious that as in human sports, there is no place for drugs in horse racing, dog racing, and even camel racing.

Downside of Susan Boyle’s Success … Comeback for Les Mis

My worst fears about Susan Boyle, the Scottish singer with the most beautiful voice, are about to come true. She is leading a revival in interest in Les Miserables, which has got to be the longest and most depressing musical of all time.

Under family pressure I have had to sit through Les Mis three times and after each performance I amazed that when I walk from the theatre my brain is still functioning and I can find my way to my car.

I know it is the longest running musical of all time in London and the third longest on Broadway but why? It lasts for a bum-numbing three hours, with only one intermission. That’s usually the time I offer a prayer that the audience and the cast will admit they have had enough of the dreariness and we can all go home.

Let’s be honest it’s not a fun night out. All the main characters die and there is no Hollywood ending. I believe it got negative reviews when it first opened but somehow survived and prospered. Please somebody tell me why.

Now Ms Boyle has gotten people talking about the production and I can just imagine the powers that be in America thinking, maybe we can revive the touring company or maybe Broadway audiences can be fooled again.

When I last checked there had been more than 35 million views of her singing I Dream a Dream on YouTube. There are dollar signs everywhere.

Take for instance what is happening in Vancouver, where according to Globe and Mail, ticket sales for a local production have gone through the roof.

Box office staff started to notice sales something was up on Wednesday. According to spokesperson Nicole McLuckie, "Tuesday [the box office] was up about 40%. Wednesday was up by about 115%. And yesterday it was about 250%," according to the newspaper.

Sara-Jeanne Hosie, the actress playing Fantine, who sings I Dream a Dream, has been forwarded the Boyle clip so many times that she's started answering the phone "Susan Boyle's understudy."

I feel sorry for those poor ticket buyers waiting for one song that comes in Act I. They probably don’t realize they have another couple of hours of suffering ahead of them.

Conspiracy Theories Move On from Elvis and Aliens

There was a time when “conspiracy theories” were slightly comical tall tales about aliens crash-landing in New Mexico or Elvis faking his own death.

While in recent years the theories have become more serious the one consistency about them is that the vast, vast majority are America-centric.

A real dead alien from Roswell, New Mexico?

In any Top 10 list of conspiracy theories usually the only one from outside America that makes the grade is about Princess Diana being murdered by the British Royal Family. The rest are as American as Elvis’ peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwich.

At the top of many lists has been the theories involving government cover-ups about the 9/11 tragedy that saw the World trade Center buildings collapse.

But in a recently published poll at www.abovetopsecret.com, which describes itself as the Internet’s most popular conspiracy theory web site, the 9/11 theories have been knocked off top spot as global economic worries take over.

In the poll the majority of the 29,000 people who took part voted in favour of the theory that a secret elite is manipulating events, such as the global financial crisis, as a step to ruling the world.

Said the web site, “The core theory speculates that long-standing bloodlines and banking families have entered secret arrangements to consolidate power and influence via a global one-world government.”

Sounds plausible to me especially if you follow the stories on various web sites on the influence Goldman Sachs has with the US Government. Stories on Goldmansuchs and www.goldmansachs666.com make fascinating if depressing reading.

Coincidently a new documentary opens April 16 “on demand” on the Independent Film Channel. It is called New World Order and is about the underground movement that is working to expose the so-called “elites.”

A much more interesting film would have been about trying to prove or disprove the theory but that would have no doubt cost lots more money than these independent film makers had available. Where's Tom Hanks or Mel Gibson when you need them?

College Sports… Where You Can Really See the Difference

Nowhere is the difference between the United States and Britain better illustrated than by college sports. To most Brits the high point of the college sports calendar is the annual Oxford versus Cambridge boat race each spring.

In America college sports is a huge business with a long history, especially in gridiron and basketball, which are the mainstays of the TV channels during their respective seasons.

The college basketball season finished on Monday night and 17 million people tuned in to watch North Carolina trounce Michigan State … and because the game was a blow-out that was the least number ever recorded.

The numbers are even higher for college football. In the championship game in January around 26.7 million viewers watched University of Florida beat the University of Oklahoma.

But when lots of people think about college sports in the US, the one number that comes to mind is Zero … because that is the amount of money paid to the actual athletes who fill the stadiums and arenas.


College Sports UK Style

The National Collegiate Athletic Association, which overseas the sports, is a zealous watchdog ensuring that the players don’t profit from their talents until they leave and turn professional. Whether that is right is forever being debated.

What makes the situation stranger is that colleges and their sponsors can pay big bucks to the team coaches. For instance Bob Stoops, the head coach of Oklahoma’s football team makes $3.6m a year. On the basketball side John Calipari just joined Kentucky for an eight-year deal worth $31.65m.

Personally I didn’t take much interest in college sports when I first came to America. It wasn’t too big a deal in California but once I arrived in Tampa Bay I was sucked in to the local football fever.

On any given Saturday you would see masses of people – men and women – wearing either University of Florida “Gator” tee-shirts or Florida State University “Seminole” shirts.

Naively I thought these shirt-wearers were graduates of these two pillars of education but after while I realized that many of these fans – just like football fans in the UK - would have had trouble with high school never mind college.

It turns out Floridians – and I guess college fans everywhere - support their team because it is local and successful and that support has nothing to do with actually attending the place. How weird is that or how naïve am I?

The Tudors: It's Henry VIII ... again and again

Can it really be 500 years this month since Henry VIII was crowned king of England? Why it just seems like yesterday.

Probably the reason is seems like yesterday is film makers are forever rehashing his life story and anyone with a TV probably knows his tale from beginning to end.

Later this month while viewers in the UK will be sitting down to yet another documentary on the man (Henry VIII: Mind of a Tyrant) we in America will be happily tucking into Season Three of The Tudors, which will no doubt be on BBC2 in Britain towards the end of the year.

I can understand why a seemingly so-British existence has transatlantic appeal. Henry’s life was made for the screen with lots of lust for both money and pro-creation. Then there’s religion, politics and a few blood-curdling wars. What more can you ask for?


His life also came filled with a ready made supporting cast of bad guys such as Oliver Cromwell and Cardinal Wolsey; equally ambitious kings of Europe as well as cantankerous Scots, who kept trying and failing to claymore Henry’s hide.

Season Three of The Tudors started Sunday on Showtime in the US and even though we know how the story goes I’m sure many female viewers will have tuned in to see Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ haunches in action while the male contingent will be checking the ladies of the court.

I have to own up that I enjoyed the first two seasons and will watch the third but I keep wondering about the title of the series… The Tudors.

Does this mean that when Henry finally dies – it’s taken 20 episodes so far and we are just moving on to wife No.3 – they will continue with the lives of Edward VI, Mary Queen of Scots and Elizabeth I.

Let’s hope not because if they do the series could run longer than the actual dynasty.

BTW if you want to read more about the ‘real’ Tudors go to http://tudorhistory.org.

American ardor for ammo advances

Thank goodness one industry in America is booming amid all the economic gloom and doom. On second thoughts should we really be happy? It’s the gun business.

Here’s what the Associated Press just reported: In Wyoming, the run on bullets and reloading components reached such a frenzy that Cheyenne retailer Frontier Arms recently began rationing sales, said Becky Holtz, co-owner of the shop. Holtz said she's also been selling semiautomatic rifles as fast as she can put them on the shelves.



"You know there's something wrong when I've got little old ladies coming in buying 5,000 rounds of .22 shells," Holtz said.

I’ve made a mental note never to go to Wyoming and if by remote chance I do I definitely will not help any little old ladies to cross the street. Another worry is you may run into one of the state’s most famous sons and marksmen, “Deadeye” Dick Cheney, the former vice-president who famously shot a hunting companion a few years back.

They no doubt love those born in the state who go on and make a name for themselves which probably explains why Wyoming was the state in the last election that was least impressed by President Obama. Only 33% of the folks out on the range were persuaded by Obama. Nationally he received 53% of the vote.

The big fear among the gun toting classes is that the President will try and curtail America’s historical love affair with guns and reinstitute a nationwide ban on the sale of assault weapons. He probably would have done already but he has rather a lot on his plate at the moment.

Now many Brits are fascinated and bemused by America’s history of gun obsession but here in Tampa Bay it is quite easy to have a go with an assault-style weapon. On a day off from a visit to Clearwater Beach just pop along to a local shooting range, hand over the cash and off you go.

I haven’t fired myself but just watching I realized hitting the target is not as easy as it looks on TV. I think I’ll stick to shooting pool.